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June 06 等一个人的心情等着一个人的心情
就像在等午夜最后一班地铁
灯影迷离的地面,
始终不如急切地回家欲望.
一步步地往下走,
一步步犹豫,
一步步担心,
地下的世界总是给人莫名地不安全感.
会不会终究错过?
站在站台上目送最后一班地铁远去?
还有没有机会,再做选择?
等着一个人的心情,
就像点燃最耀眼的烟火.
用尽所有代价, 不顾一切地往前飞,
哪怕每一分钟都可能就是最后一分钟,
也不计较.
只是为了一瞬的光芒,
不去想刻骨铭心,
就算连划下痕迹都很勉强,
至少,那么勇敢地付出过一次.
等着一个人的心情,
就像存着一瓶心爱的酒.
一直想要找个最好的时机去享受,
一直舍不得.
时间长了,
更加舍不得.
可是,什么时候才是那个时机呢?
还是,时间太长,
我已经忘记了初衷. 如果小宇宙快要熄灭,就赶紧去借个火吧"受伤倒下的战士那虚幻的梦境,
开在荒野的花儿那温柔的笑颜,
那天的摇篮曲远远地传来,
回忆千丝万缕只祈求那份安宁.
纵使这身躯倒在路边,
我的朋友啊也请跨过我继续前进,
纵使那眼泪已经干涸,
盛开的花儿也在孕育生命迎接明天."
----Sento Seiya Elyision的片尾曲,不是我发神经写的.
圣斗士终于打到永恒净土了，哎呀，虽然最后无敌五小强中最极品的星矢光荣阵亡，也算是功成名就了。以前最喜欢瞬了，不知道是不是从那个时候起潜意识里面就有中性路线的审美观。（注，中性和变态，变性是两码事）
坚持了若干年一集不漏的看下来，从六点档的儿童剧场到漫画书，录像带，VCD， DVD， 电脑碟， FTP, BT, 电驴最后回归到漫画书...这也能叫做轮回么？和朋友聊起来，发现自己坚持这些东西的耐力还是挺强的，尤其是坚持这么多的情况下.......
一直不明白的就是圣衣究竟是用来做什么的，感觉每次都是封印力量的一样。总之大概就是按照金属市值判断级别，终究也比不上什么都不穿的，所谓光脚的不怕穿鞋的，这里得到充分体现。最后终于得到答案，所谓的圣衣，就是个入场卷而已，不穿人家不让进去打...最关键是，不穿圣衣不知道谁该打...回顾好几遍，经常跳过星矢的部分，特别是内心独白篇，为什么我的注意力总是集中不到第一主角上呢？我一直在思考这个问题。 June 03 家？家！伊斯坦布尔，是城市的城市。
如果厌倦了伦敦，你就厌倦了整个世界。
不知道为什么会一直那么想要回家，一直又很适应这里的生活。和朋友在一起打打闹闹真的很开心，但是静下来，会觉得有些失落。其实真那么想回家，可是， 家又在哪里呢？零零总总，这二十几年来，真正一直在一个地方的时间，真是不多。以前在贵阳，放假过年回北京。 后来在北京，放假过年回贵阳。后来...不知道自己下个假期会去哪里。去年写第一篇论文的时候写城市流动性，然后就像写一篇自己的记叙文，没想到还得了迄今为止最高的分数。好像就会成为这样一种人，不介意从哪里来，也不知道要到哪里去。
二十岁之前很喜欢跟人描述去过哪些地方，二十岁以后只喜欢跟人描述家乡是什么样子，在家里是什么样的生活。我会在每一个城市迷路，也可以在每一个城市继续生活。于是一个很实在的地方，变成了童话般美好的纪念馆，可惜，没有什么收藏品。现在才真正意识到保持一个城市尺度和风格的重要性，然后以后设计的时候，不要那么任性，以为自己真的可以创造出美好的东西。其实善于发现并表达的人，才是最好的设计师，纯粹个人观点。Steph从来不带照相机，我问为什么，观光的话，不想多留点照片么？然后得到一个答案，想要看的，是心，是眼睛，还是相机？所有得不到也留不住的，都让人心驰神往，所以才会格外珍惜那种“在这里”的感觉。然后，问问自己，想要在哪里。
有的人给你一个希望，有的人给你一个未来。 想要给自己一个答案，给了我希望的那个人，能不能给我未来？然后用两个月时间来回答。然后忘记这件事情，这是一个很重要的决定，所以我用了30分钟来思考......高考是三年搞定的，雅思是三个月搞定的， 论文是三天搞定的，考试是三个小时搞定的，越看似重要的东西，需要的时间越短。我看能不能再创造一个三分钟搞定的记录，于是要先找个重要的事情。 May 18 The exprienceWe should learn how to open a debate, and then, stop it.
Am I wrong? The first day I came to DPU,I started learning how to empower the community. But if I can't gain the power myself, how can I say I am able to do that?I know it is about the whole team, however, I still make the decision that this is the price I have to pay. I know I can't sacrifice something not belongs to me, but it is much easier to control it rather than get it, and sadly, I have taken this easy way. I am wrong, but I do not regret that, sorry.
May 10 Stand by my sideStand by my side, everytime, everywhere......
What do I really need? I am not weak, I am not stupid, I am not afraid of future...but I still feeling bad sometimes.
I may not need much care, much attention or even much love, all I need is someone who always there for me.
Even if I know someone may not belongs to me, but I konw, for this someone, I can be the world. May 06 One stage is finishedField work is over~Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer!!!!
唉,明天最后一个会,所有的资料收集就可以结束了.本来现场的工作就是很麻烦的,虽然可以跟不同的人交流,可是是在语言不通的情况下,情况好像更为复杂一些.早上去工地回来,觉得情况其实不是想象中那么糟糕,大多数移民还是能安置的,如果他们说的是真的话.不过经过这几天已经习惯政府的作风了,但是真要写报告,还是要更加慎重一些.我们作为局外人来评估,本来就做不了更多.即使写了报告,提了建议,也没有执行权.虽然很多人好像对我们抱有很大希望, 那只不过是因为正好我们来的前一天拆迁因为有一些审查手续的关系暂停了而已,所以不能太乐观.当然, 有一个机会为那些移民讨价还价,就尽力而为吧. 好像我们的教授这次是下了决心要奋斗一把,不停问问题,催促我们,可是好像大家都疲于应付,力不透支了.
May 02 City of the cityYou will Istanbul even if you stay here, as it is really the city of the city.
从26号到现在已经过去一个星期了.明天将是我们收集资料的最后一天,之后就是实际的工作了.虽然只是收集资料,事情却多得吓人.首先第一天就去了欧盟在Glata和Fener的项目，耗资7，000，000欧元，主要是历史街区的修缮和保护工作。UNESCO参与了前期的调查和分析，Fatih Municipality 作为直接的当地政府，在前期有一定的配合，但之后随着改选，也基本上没有什么贡献。现在工程接近尾声，Ottoman style 和多元文化是这个项目的主要特点，通过小规模周期性的修缮和社区基础的自主管理的可持续发展模型，虽然没有到评估阶段，看起来还是比较成功的。第二天直奔现场Sulukule，天气不好，到了社区以后会面的地方是个小咖啡屋。混杂着土耳其语，希腊语，印度语的英语介绍让我头晕脑胀，加上烟味，杂音，绝对是有史以来最可怕的现场。作为试点工程，这个项目似乎并没有真正按照发展原则顺利进行，这是第一印象。之后三天的行程基本上是与主要项目参与者会面，包括国际联盟，政府，NGO和CBO，具体是 UCLG， Fatih Municipality， EU 和 Sulukule platform.每天讨论议程和问题，然后在会上真正能用上的只有30-40%。尽管如此，同学们讨论的热情还是一如既往，我是最懒的一个。每天都在问问题，每天都会有更多的问题，每天都要花更长的时间讨论。与UCLG的会面主要是讨论Local Agenda 21在土耳其的发展，作为唯一一个把这一议程提高到立法高度的国家，土耳其的民主倾向是让人惊讶的。这也确实为自下而上的新发展方向奠定了基础。虽然在实行的过程中多半是靠政府干涉，并没有在真正意义上把控制权移交给民众，但是一些组织，例如青少年议会，妇女权力协会确实建立在群众基础上，而且越来越受到重视，在决策中发挥作用。唯一比较舒服的一天是观察Istanbul 不同时期的住房建设，可以只看不说，而且或多或少和我们国家相似，所以也不难理解。明天是Istanbul历史文化调研，是最具游览性质的工作了，也算是一个星期以来唯一的一天休息。
当然，虽然累点，但也能顺道欣赏欣赏这个特别的城市。我们住在GlataTower 附近，因为是个领航的灯塔，从城市的各个位置都很方便找到回来的路。每天出门都会坐船到Golden Horn一边的基地。来来往往，海鸥，水母，渔人，Glata Bridge每天都有不同的风景，只是我现在不是看风景的人。 April 30 4.26-30Finally started our work from meeting with the Fatin Municipality of Istanbul after we got here for 4 days. Although everyday we just travel around the city to be familiar with the historical, social, culture and economic situation in Istanbul , especially on housing provision in development initiatives, we really so tired in explore the city.
March 25 how can you win?"First they ignore you; then they laugh at you; then they fight you; then you win.” Gandhi Tomorrow will be my third meeting in Camden Town Hall.......Everytime I keep on questioning and making suggestion which makes me very embarrassing sometimes, especially when I cannot pick up the right words to describe what I want to say. However, it is a nice experience which always makes me feel I am part of the place where I live.It sounds rediculous that I need this kind of evident to prove I am living here,but if there is no such evident, where do I belong to then? I was born in a city where was far away from my hometown, I once lived in a city where was far away from my other family members and I studied in a city far away from my home as well. My life is along with my mother's but now she is far away from me as well. Far far away, is not something so easy to tell. I always fight for my identity in every city I lived, from south to North, from east to west, from one journey to the next. How can I know my country so well? Because I have been to so many different cities here. I still remember my tutor said to me, the contradict side of exclusion is not inclusion, it is participation. So try to take charge of the things around you but not wait for anybody to provide is the only way for you to achieve anything. UCL means what? Means inteligience and character, which are the true goals of education. March 21 Airport oath My life seems always have relationship with airport. I can't remember the feeling when I first time took plane home as it was over 20 years ago but I'm still quite sure that that journey has defined my life. Every significant change has taken place here, every new beginning starts from here and if I could have my most sorrowful time, it alsways stays here as well. Although so many times hurt myself, a broken wing still strong enough to cross the ocean and never care about how far should I go to catch the dream.
Whenever I go to the airport, it is always for my best loved ones. Whenever I back from the airport, it is always for my best loved ones. My tears never fall off my face but my heart has already lost her way. No one could stop me as I have never tried to persuade anyone stay for me. Maybe it is cruel, just as the way we live and die. We make the choices and live with them, finally,we become those choices.
My promise kept itself at airport and wait for me to come back, and I'm sure I will. No matter how fantastic it is in the journey, there is always a home for me to come back. That is the oath inscribe on the watching tower, no matter how long will it take for me to finish the adventure, that is always the one celebrating my achievement. Leaving itself, is an achievement.
For Frances came back from France. March 20 至亲 一段时间过去，忙碌的日子终于又告一段落。其实总是不断忙碌，都没有时间好好看看自己的生活。静下来，却睡不着。
昨天是很难过的一天，拼命想写东西又找不到思路，还好不是一个人，要不真的会抓狂。很多时候都在问自己，一定要这么辛苦么？是不是可以安心于那一点点成就，随便找个工作安顿下来呢？很多朋友都开始悠闲地生活，我却不可以。 朋友问起，你还有什么不满足？笑，无语。回到那个起点，那个无论如何都想掌控自己命运的誓言，才发现，我还有很长的路需要挣扎。 不能回头，不能依靠，不能偷懒。 这辈子，一定要给至爱的人最好的生活。还是那句话， 我做不到的事情，绝对不会要求别人，但是我能给的，一定是最好。 想起来最对不起的还是对我最好的人，为了模糊的将来， 我牺牲了太多。也许就是因为至亲，所以残忍。 March 16 Who will I be? "When a man is tired of London he is tired of life; for there is in London all that life can afford."
Half an year, it seems I have already been a part of this city. Days passed, the familiar street, the close friend and the vibrant life keep on smoothly, everything become easier and enjoyful. However, I can't stop myself dreaming of home and waking up in a strange scene just as I have never been here. I said before that nothing can satisfy me as far as I still remain juvenscence, but how mellow will I be to satisfy myself? I am curious about everything, positive or negative,and the only criteria for me to judge is the risk. I won't put myself into a silly mortal gambling but if I am confident enough to take it into control, I'm still willing to try. Who will I be? Who knows. March 09 Just be a little strongerHave you ever love somebody so much it makes you cry?
Have you ever need something so bad you can't sleep at night?
Have you ever try to find the words that they don't come out right?
Have you ever...
Have you ever find someone you can give your heart to? Close the eyes and dream he will come?
Have you ever find someone steal your heart away? You can give anything to make him feel the same?
Why it always seems no matter how hard I try, I stil can't make something they can understand. Is there something wrong with me, or I stil not get the right one? So many things pass on these days but I still can't focus my attention on it. It is very confused that I don't know what is in my heart.My family?My friends? My career? Or someone but no one? I may blessing who's in difficulty and forgive who is childish now , but I doubt how manytimes I can still make it. March 07 木棉花开February 29 好一场局啊~~~~~~今天随便逛逛,看到这个贴。
想起小时候的拍画，晚上抓乌龟的煤棚，仿佛一切又尽在眼前........从来没想过自己能过现在这样的生活，想起以前三米宽的弄堂，不能出大铁门，天天在院子里乱跑疯玩的我们，现在形同路人。想起在老师办公室里背知识竞赛题的时候炸金花，想起改装的百分专用课桌........想起以前和杨羽去过的那个昏天黑地的小赌场,想起赟子进号子的时候大家的议论，想起那些收拾我们的老河底子。想起传说中很危险的河边，想起递给我的第一根烟地那个人，第一瓶二锅头，呵呵~包括搬了一箱啤酒坐在高中大门口的那一群人，我妈凌晨一点多叫来的警车........想起第一次赢钱的那桌麻将，钱柜的筛子，还有后来避风塘输掉的18杯西瓜汁..........还有很多很多事情。
无数次挨打还是改不过来么，我不是个好孩子呢，但是，至少不是很虚伪。如果我能选的话，我还是不能乖乖的吧，骨子里面，是个很倔强，有些阴暗的人呢。今天一个申请UCL的姐们问我有没有太大学习压力，我都不知道怎么说。就像妹妹问我怎么高考的时候，我无言以对。为什么要信神呢，可能觉得自己被惯坏了吧，总是得到本来不属于自己的东西，很心虚，需要忏悔和反省。我并不是不努力，只是每次到关键的时候，我就不是自己了似的。大起大落，是我压对了筹码，还是我没算清楚自己的代价呢。
今天收到了最后一份问卷，出乎意料的顺利，虽然一开始那个议员大姐似乎很烦我，居然最后还真给我寄来了，有种受宠若惊的感觉，我是不是该提前告诉她我其实是没有选举权的？有责任的建筑师么？我怎么觉得我现在干的活好像是社工呢，得关心泰国贫民窟，土耳其的地震，还得为英国的生物多样性做贡献？跟我有什么关系？？！！！ February 27 Experience of working with concillor of CamdenIt is the first time I need to work with them. I mainly focus on housing and adult social care departement and find evidence for my report. It sounds rediculous but when I realize that it is compulsory, I can manage it properly. I email them, make appointment and finally come to their office. It takes ages to wait for them but that is better than no access anyway. Go through the questionnair is not so hard, presentation is OK but...when I try to get feedbacks, the problems come. They won't answer yes no question, I can understand it because it sounds like a responsibility and that risk nobody want to take. The most impressive words is not work for the money, but make the money work for you...Maybe, February 21 月儿圆 元宵节，中国城，汤圆，知己好友.......
今天收到不少祝福呢，中国城一顿美餐，最后还幸运地买到最后两包元宵。那个幸福啊，那个感动啊，无法用语言形容。打电话回家，已经是家里的早上了，没办法，一整天都在上课，忙得不行。 闲下来已经很晚了，只能等第二天早上。时间乘以距离，是一个完美的公式，把想家的情绪定义得清清楚楚。 这边的月亮，是不是那边的太阳？如果我一直望着地平线，是不是就能见到家呢？ February 07 本命年 第一个不在家的除夕,几个好友,一桌小菜.人生得意之时几许?过往自知.
一个字,乐,两个字,很乐,三个字,非常乐.来到陌生的国度,还能有如此盛宴,还不知足,还有什么活法啊~~超级好吃的卷饭呢，以后一定要好好学习。
想起以前每天圆桌边上翻白眼,觉得总是没有胃口的自己会变成现在这样每天自得其乐地煮饭,觉得生活又有了新的喜悦的我来说,这是穿过亚欧大陆最大的收获.以前有人跟我说过,困难摆在眼前的时候和压在肩上的时候感觉都会不一样,而对于我这样从来没受过挫折却总是喜欢拿自己开玩笑的人来说,真是有点天方夜谭呢.但是真的走到这一步,才明白自己真的需要好好反省.
第一,朋友不在多.以前前呼后拥的阵势其实很苍白,人太多,都没有时间好好去对谁真的好.吵吵闹闹,曲终人散,能够怀念的东西,似乎有些少.虽然心里面把每一个人都牢牢记住,也毫不怀疑在她们需要帮助的时候,我会尽全力.但是,终究还是需要没有理由的关心和体贴吧,即使一个拥抱,一个电话,一封邮件.感情是不能粘贴复制或者群发的,再忙都不可以.以前觉得只要关键时候发挥作用就行了，平时无关紧要的小事就不必太费心。现在知道，没有多少人有那种关键时刻，即使有，也不一定都需要我，即使需要，我也不一定能帮上什么，即使有一天会有那么一个机会让我那么重要，那也可能久到我们对彼此都没有太多印象，或者开不了口了。所以，还不如做点小事情，随意，没有负担，让人感觉到温暖。女人也需要有谦让体贴的绅士风度，不为别的，为自己能享受到同样的待遇。
第二,多读点书没有坏处,电影不是生活,但书可能会是,因为有自己的诠释.以前给所有人的印象都是不务正业,凭点小聪明能混个中不灵儿就完美极了.现在突然想,我也是应该要有点成就的, 因为我真的能看到自己需要做的事情,也有足够的能力,只要认真去完成就好.成绩虽然没有那么重要，但是成果很重要，整个过程也很重要。即使辛苦地去经营可能是一个有些劳累的过程，但是之后的满足却能把这一切掩盖过去，甚至一直成为动力，源源不断。 既然做了，就不要抱着制造垃圾的态度。一篇文章不能改变现实，几吨纸也不能，但是，如果没有这些纸，我们会永远停留在制造这些纸的阶段，无法进取。
第三,要认真地去爱.以前觉得自己不是愤青,不用把爱国挂在嘴边.但是现在才发现,至少应该为自己生活的那片土地贡献一点什么. 一个国家给人的印记是一辈子的,不管走到哪里, 这是值得骄傲的东西.昨天还看春晚来的,虽然这边是大白天,还是蛮有味道的,节目就不评价了,年年岁岁花相似,岁岁年年人不同吧.昨天说起自己的经历，跟别人比比，觉得自己以前真是有点白眼狼。上天给了我一个机会去想念，去盼望，去等待，给我一个新的机会去开始，要好好珍惜，不能再乱开玩笑。要以中国传统的优秀品德严格要求自己.......呵呵
现在每天独来独往, 终于可以清静地看清楚自己,看清楚自己要走的路. 偶尔聚会,感觉很亲切. 从完全地依赖,到完全独立,再到依赖,再独立.......终于明白自己可以是完全不同的人，而这种不同也是生活的一部分，不用再去计较。
February 05 the day in theater workshop How to use ventriloquism? How to speak from your diaphragm? How to act on the stage? I have no idea about what I have done today, although it is really interesting and fantastic.
We have a one day workshop about theater techniques, I once thought it might be something related to design but it turns out to be a more realistic stuff--how to be a good actress!!! We have a whole day practise a lot about the sound and movement in front of the audience , how to attract their attention and get response. We play several games to help us get into our role and finally we have a show to get feedbacks. Althogh it absolutely has nothing to do with my work, it really offers me some new idea and skills about how to make my presentation more vibrant and fascinating.I extremely like two parts of it, throwing the ball and storying telling.
I don't know why our education before needs to be so serious and without any funny part. It really needs to be change and hopefully not so late. In short, I enjoy my time here very much and I know that it will be a shinning part forever in my life. January 24 the other side of he mirrorFace to the mirror, I think I can see myself clearly. But the truth is the world in the mirror is completely reversal, I still see nothing.
Today I talked with someone about my signature, he asked me why I always like to make something so hard to understand. Actually, even myself can't know me well, how can others do? I may nit be what I think I am because I never want to take that kind of responsibility.It is so tired.
以为拿着镜子就可以看到真实的自己，可是却发现镜子里面的一切都是颠倒的，其实所谓真实的东西，总是看不到。因为我还没有蠢到只想着做自己，因为这样，会很累。 |
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